didits

the silence is felt even more strongly now. there was the noise and the rush and the constant stream of people going in and out and around the house. now there are no clothes strewn about, no waiting in line for the bathrooms, no makeshift sleeping spaces, no arguing over who rightfully owns the slippers, and no sharing seats at the dining table because the chairs are not enough for everyone.

now the clothes are neatly piled where they should be, and the bathrooms are empty for the most part of the day, and the beds feel too wide, and only half of the dining table is occupied. torillo folks have gone back.. now things are calm and settled and uncluttered.

but i wish the house was messy again. i wish we were so crowded that some of us sleep in the couch or make do with the big, soft chairs. i wish there were still so many of us that meals are had by batch, depending on what time one wakes up (early risers? first batch. muokers? second, even third, batch.)

i wish it was christmas again.

*****

jet has such a detailed, graphic image of The One. The Scientist. i am still amazed how vividly she described him. i already knew The One was an orphan and not really very sociable. but i did not know that he had this particular sibling, The Sister. or that he works for some famous man, although exactly what kind of work The One does is still not so clear to me. jet was rather vague on that one.

i learned many things about The One, some of which did not make any sense to darl and me. but listening to jet speak of The One made me wish that this year The One would finally find his way to wherever jet is (promise honest pa, jet.) well, he did sound a bit out of this world, but he is what jet has been visualizing for a long time, even before i shared with darl and her the secret that my little sister has got me into. and she says she is certain that The One is whom she is truly asking for, so…. may all the forces of the universe pool their strengths and positive vibes together to give jet the fulfillment of her visions.

The One For Me, on the other hand, is a hazy, blurry smoke compared to jet’s. The One practically has flesh and character (all he needs is a life) while The One For Me is indistinct. all i could tell the others was that he writes well, speaks well, listens to good music, can wear shoes without socks and still look nice, and that he is taller than me. and although i am not sure yet what he does for a living, it is certainly significant, nothing like pseudo-research on something-something.

darl and jet wanted to know more about The One For Me. i realized i should know more about him, too. The One For Me needs a personality and a character. otherwise my visualization would be incomplete, and the forces of the universe would waver and i could end up with it’s feeble version of my The One For Me.

(could he be an orphan, too? most probably not. and no, having The Sister is not really high up there in my list of essentials. yes, i will have to learn more about The One For Me. soon. )

darl remarked that neither jet nor i talked of love and affection. jet said it does not matter much, one can learn or be taught how to love. well, i think that is very true; we all know one or two friends who are in practical partnerships.

but it is also very true that most people still consider love and affection as basic requirements in a relationship. only very few believe that the decisive factor in choosing the one is if he has a sibling who is (supposedly) kind and meek.

so aside from being a good speaker and writer who likes good music and who looks nice even without socks, The One For Me is also warm and passionate and tender and affectionate. he is genuine and sincere (i should tell him that i can read his thoughts, sometimes even before he has thought of the thoughts) and does not take me for a fool. The One For Me, he is all these. and more.

it must be why it is taking the universe some time to align the forces positively. or maybe it needs some push from me. a push, maybe a shove, to stir all the forces in the universe and cause them to radiate strong positive vibes to The One For Me that will finally lead him safely to where i am.

i must start visualizing clearly. it would help greatly to be surrounded by people, things, and places that appeal to the vision and the “visualizer.” and for me that only means one thing: we should get moving, mana adette and i.

next stop, italy.

it has been a while. a long while, in fact. and so much has happened. life as we knew it ceased to be, at least for a few months. it was frenzied, harried, noisy living. then gradually, things became normal again. it probably won’t ever go back to being the life we had pre-danpalamimayor days. our circle has grown much wider. we made numerous friends and several rivals. whatever other people say and would like to believe, we aren’t hanging our heads down in shame and defeat. we fought a good fight. yes, we were newbies, and some people probably found us too idealistic and trusting. it didn’t matter then; it still doesn’t. what matters now is that we still believe change – positive, beneficial change - can happen if people really work together. and whether one loses because one is cheated, deceived or trusting and raw, what is important is what one does about it and how one learns from it. it will take a while, but things are being done, things will get done. as for the learning, well, we all have definitely wisened up.

= = = = =

the campaign has come and gone. summer has come and gone. in a few weeks, the –ber months will come, and before we know it, they’ll be gone. it has been a very long while ….. but still, the men haven’t come and gone. they are just, gone. gone where, i do not know. maybe jet and ruby who are in faraway america will find them. or maybe they won’t, not even if they are in faraway america. oh well. ann is lucky. we are badlucky. maybe we will just have to keep looking. no, not waiting. waiting time’s long been over. now we look. search. hunt. and maybe, just maybe, before the year has come and gone, we’ll be like ann. so very lucky.

when i
turned twenty, i thought thirty was an ideal marriage deadline. ten whole
years? okay, pwede bargain, twenty-eight or even twenty-seven, pero to be on
the safe side, thirty would do. i mean, ten whole years was quite a long time
to find a good guy and get married. i’d probably even have a kid by the time i
was thirty, since ten years was pretty much forever. or so i thought.

 

now, it’s
been ten. whole. years. plus. one. a year past the deadline, and there isn’t
the tiniest probability of a marriage in the near future. which also means
there isn’t going to be a cute kid anytime soon. (but if you really think
about, the likelihood of me having a child does not necessarily have to depend
on the likelihood of me getting married. i can still have that adorable baby even
without …. don’t worry, T&N. yeah, not even in joke. ;>)

 

so i’m way beyond
my self-imposed deadline. strangely, though, i feel less stressed out about it
now than i did previously. a couple of years before hitting the mark, i
remember feeling a bit anxious about not making it to couplehood. everyone else
seemed to be one-half of a twosome. the clock was ticking away. and it must
have been ticking loudly, since most everyone i met would comment on my being
single and getting older. the anxious look on the faces of well-meaning friends
had me worried. i mean, if they were bothered by my lifeless lovelife, then
shouldn’t i be, too?

 

but whoever
said worrying gets one nowhere was one wise woman. or man. my worrying then over my being a non-half of
a couple did not bring me any closer to couplehood, certainly. oh, there were
probably some close calls, but they weren’t close enough to merit a twosome
tag. other people were fretting over my nonexistent lovelife. i, on the other
hand, found it becoming less and less a stressor. really.

 

sure,
couplehood is still something i want to be in, definitely. but not having it is
not a major issue with me, and although i know they worry because they care,
other people’s concern about my lovelife does not get me into panic mode as much and as often as it
used to. maybe it has to do with maturity, but i now have a calm, relaxed
feeling with my being single.

 

i think it
will just come when it comes.

 

if it’s
meant to be…. pero claire fiercely says waray na yana mga meant to be, meant to
be.

 

if it’s
bound to happen… my nanay says, however, that “sometimes, you also have to make
a move.” then she and tatay proceed to offer me the dollars
to start the ball rolling.

 

oh, well.
being thirty-one and single may not seem appealing to most people, but at the
moment, it’s all fine with me. i’m having fun even with my being a non-half of
a couple.

 

and should
i seriously feel that it’s time for a change of status, i already know what to
do. jet’s a genius when it comes to these things; ruby and i are just her
willing partners. and so long
as daryll, bless her kind and understanding heart, doesn’t squeal on us, then
i’m pretty sure all the waiting will pay off. literally.

 

in the
meantime, i’ll continue having fun. being single at thirty-one isn’t all that
bad.

 

and single
at thirty-two doesn’t sound too bad, either…. pero don’t worry, T&N, i
don’t plan on making that my goal. who knows, might just find the sparks (THE sparks) one of these fun,
single-at-thirty-one days. ig-special intention la kami pirmi ni dadas. :>

 

it’s half past three in the morning. the house is all quiet; there’s no dog here to provide the occasional barks or howls. the nieces have all gone back to torillo after a short break here, so no one’s gonna wake up in the middle of the night asking for cold water or wanting to pee. it’s dark and quiet outside, and you probably think for someone who’s up to her neck with work to do, this is good news. i need the calm and stillness to focus on my work, certainly. but not now. my eyelids have started to droop, and i have yawned a million times. but i can’t sleep just yet, lots of stuff still left to do. and my mind is very much awake, it would not do me any good to go to bed anyways. i’d be in bed but still be awake; not exactly an appealing option.

so i take a break from thinking about school stuff… and allow my mind to think of anything it wants to think of, anything BUT school work. not that it requires much effort. J

inevitably, my thoughts turn to growing old, older. lately i have been doing a lot of catching up with old friends here, getting together for coffee sessions that last for hours and hours. we talk of mostly anything and everything. they talk of their kids, how worried they are that the kids will soon be grown, and how the world seems to be a much less safer place than it was when we were kids. we look around the coffee shop and see pretty young girls in barely-there dresses, cuddling up to their boys who are trying so hard to look manly, sitting with their knees far apart, their arms resting on their legs, sipping their coffee with an air of, well, such practiced manliness. it does tend to look funny, especially since some of the kids used to be my students in grade school, and i saw them when they were much less “sophisticated” than they are now. J but we do have to admit, most of the girls now have excellent fashion taste. we all love the shoes. J still, just looking at them makes us feel old.

but for the most part of our coffee sessions, we end up talking of what has become of us, and what will become of us. at our age, we feel we should know exactly what we want to do, where we want to go, what direction to take… yeah, heavy stuff. J we’re each doing our own thing now, but no one can say if she’ll still be doing the same things a few years down  the road, though. it’s comforting to know that we’re all in the same boat. it makes one feel less stressed out knowing that there are others who are still trying to put the pieces together, trying to make sense out of things. just talking about our adult concerns with each other relieves the pressure. and that is more than enough reason for us to have our coffee sessions.

other things have happened lately which also made me think even more about growing old, older. family members getting sick, a dear friend’s mom getting sicker… things no one wants to think about, but one just has to. we try to do what we can, although sometimes it gets frustrating. however it is not too much to hope that things get better, and so that is what i keep doing. praying that things somehow turn out well, trusting that He is at work in the midst of all these.

such heavy, gloomy stuff to think about at this early hour… but amazingly, all traces of sleepiness are gone. it is really true what they say, anything BUT school work is a lot easier to do. J never mind if it’s thinking about serious, heavy stuff.

i don’t know when the next coffee session will be; but definitely it will be sometime this week. there is just so much to talk about. there’s work, the kids, people we know, the men… yes, we definitely talk about the men. or in our case, the lack of men in our lives. J or the lack of GOOD and PROPER men, that’s more like it.

ann’s come to a realization, she said, but we still have to see just how firm she says she is. claire’s having fun hunting and being hunted. zel’s got a man, which means she’s also got man issues to deal with. J

me, i have no luck at all. or maybe i just have rotten luck. J it’s okay though, jet’s still keeping me company there. she’s had no luck too; although she’s definitely got it worse. i mean,

brazil

and all, and still unlucky. J

jet, we should definitely do that european trip. soon. J

a few nights ago, we watched tulad ng dati, the film by mike sandejas that’s (loosely) based on the dawn, a tribute to the band. it had generated a lot of buzz during its cinemalaya run, where it won the best picture award, among others. we failed to catch it at the ccp; thankfully, they screened it at the up film center (cheaper tickets!). the younger siblings watched its first screening and came home loaded with positive reviews and gushing remarks. these from college students who, although they know of the dawn, were not even born yet when the band was at its prime. that was enough for us to buy the tickets for its second screening.

i probably won’t call the movie a great one, but it was good, and it had my attention the whole time i was seated on one of the white monobloc chairs set in a row along the walls of the fc. though the younger siblings (who watched the film again) had stood in line for almost an hour, by the time we got inside, the seats were taken, and the empty ones were those monobloc chairs. though they managed to make the fc rather tacky, the chairs were pretty comfy.

taking the monobloc chairs at the farthest end of the theater proved to be a wise decision. we could whisper (loudly) among ourselves about the film, laugh out loud, and sing along with the band without irritating the other viewers. i was in grade 5 when enveloped ideas was the song everyone in lsc was singing. our sister who was then a senior in high school used that as a title for her column in the school paper. i had a “personal bond” with the dawn (never mind that they do not actually know me), and i felt I had every right to sing along with them when they played the songs we knew oh-so-well way back then. yes, the movie was fine, but that wasn’t the highlight of the night for us.

along with the many other viewers of the film (how many were we? a couple of hundreds? three? four? one? but then, who cares? it was a great crowd, whatever the number), i sang, cheered and danced with the dawn in an impromptu show after the movie. (or should it be, to the dawn?) i had previously sworn to myself i would act unruffled and composed all the time when in the presence of a celebrity, as i have no desire to be, ummm, chaka. (as i do not desire, too, to offend any good and celebrity-loving person, chaka will suffice.) but all thoughts of pretentious indifference vanished when we found ourselves right smack on the makeshift stage, the fc steps, just an arm’s length away from francis and jett and buddy and jb. we couldn’t take our eyes away from francis and his guitar. no, it’s not just because he was so near that if you just bent forward from the waist without moving the feet you could kiss him so we could not really avoid not looking at him the whole time. (that was a winding sentence… but you get the point. i hope.) francis made us even bigger fans of the band.

when one is confronted with such great talent, one just cannot remain indifferent. so i sang loudly, i cheered, i danced, i screamed when they asked us what we wanted them to sing (“enveloped ideas! enveloped ideas! enveloped ideas!” while around me young college kids were shouting out titles of songs i did not even know were the dawn’s). of course, we had our tickets signed by the band and even by the film director; then, to cap the whole phenomenon, we took out the mobile phones and had our pictures taken with them. fans. exactly.

i was a fan, behaving like any other celebrity fan, excited and giddy, somewhat noisier than usual. but as I have discovered, great and genuine talent compels one to show appreciation and admiration. one cannot remain unresponsive and feign casualness in the presence of artists with real, impressive gifts.  to do so would be blasphemy, sacrilege! or it could also mean that one is just a poor judge of great talent. either way, it makes the person less, ummm, expressive (i do not wish to offend, either, any good and celebrity-loving person who would rather keep their feelings to themselves than show it to the world.)

the dawn, being genuine artists with great talent, deserved all the enthusiastic fan behaviors they got that night, and more. they had a right to all the screaming and cheering and clapping and dancing i gave them.

i cheered and clapped and screamed and danced for the dawn during all of the four (five?) songs they played; i was expressive and appreciative of the dawn’s brilliant talent.

that night, i was definitely a fan.

so what exactly am i trying to say here? yep, i was a fan, but because of the dawn,i was definitely not a chaka fan.

while the rest of the students have bid summer goodbye and gone back to school, i’m still on summer mode. my siblings reluctantly packed their bags, boarded the plane and found themselves again in the midst of manila’s traffic. after two long, (relatively J) lazy months they are now back in the diliman grind.

in a couple of days it will be my turn to board that plane, too. ..sigh.. it’s not the thought of school and school work, though, that makes me want to be on summer break forever. (to my pupils – yes, school is good. it is good to go to school and not be lazy. it is.)  at least, not entirely. just thinking of traffic and smog and rains and running after a jeep on a flooded street is enough to dampen any enthusiasm i have for school and school work. (yes, we must be enthusiastic about school and school work!  because school is good! it is!)

so, with most everyone in torillo, the house is silent. only one batos is left during the day, since the rest of the helpers go to school. they leave early, and they’re back around five. with no dogs and no nieces around, it certainly is quiet here.

all this quiet time has made me think about many things. i look around the house and i think of how we can make this corner prettier, how we can make that look better, how we can make everything just look cleaner. i think of these things, but i do not necessarily do anything about them. i keep them in mind so i can suggest these things to my mother and sisters.

i also got around to thinking about my nieces. there is never a moment of silence whenever they are around. the house becomes a mess, the girls run around and go in and out the doors, somebody wails, another one shouts NO! – it’s all confusion and chaos and racket. and everyone just loves it. hey, give me their noise and clutter anytime over this sad, melancholic silence.

just talked with the girls yesterday, by the way. dane answered the phone, and proudly told me she didn’t cry the night before when she slept in torillo because she’s an ate and a big girl.

eya couldn’t stop gushing about teacher isbel, and how much prettier she is now. “tita dits, teacher isbel is very very pretty now, because her hair is not long, it’s short.” eya used to like long hair; she thought short hair wasn’t pretty. “but teacher isbel’s hair is not straight anymore. it’s curly!” oh. i see. “you wanna see her hair?” uhmm, ok. “you will fix her hair?” i think she can fix her hair by herself just fine. “she’s very pretty, tita.” i’m sure she is.

aims kept asking when i would be back. “when, tita?” friday. i’ll see you soon. “when? when you’ll come here?” friday. “when??? WHEN, i said. the NUM-BUH! when you’ll come here???” ohhh. june 23. “twen-twee? june twen-twee? ok.” ok. see you girls soon.

and these past few days, my thoughts would also occasionally turn to men and lovelife. my lack of a man and a lovelife, specifically. it does not help any that everyone, everyone, in our school, even the friends i meet, keep badgering me about it. since i came home for the break, not a day goes by without anyone asking me about it. “ano na, mayda ka na uyab?”  uhmmm, nada. none. waray pa man. “ha?!? waray gud la gihap?!?” lagi. waray gud. “hagi, ano ba iton. ayaw na pag-iniha, nagtitika-lagas ka na baya!”  uhmmm, oh-kay. thank you.

i guess i should be flattered that they seem puzzled why i’m uyab-less. but then you know what they say about flattery. so when some well-meaning friends took it upon themselves to be my agents and scout me a man, i told them to go ahead. they just might get me somewhere. there’s one thing i did not foresee, though. it seems they wanna succeed real fast and quick, they’re practically selling me to every single man they know, my type or not my type, it doesn’t matter. not exactly the strategy i would have wanted. ..sigh.. all i’m asking for is THE sparks, THAT something that says ohhh-kayyy, this. is. it. i’m not asking for too much, i think. though my tatay says it is unrealistic. ..sigh.. oh, the pressure, the pressure, of being thirty and single.

but anyways, i’m determined to enjoy to the fullest my last couple of days on summer mode. so i relish the stillness and silence this big, empty house offers. there won’t be much silence, and definitely no big spaces, in torillo. i savor the meals and coffee sessions with T&N; our next sessions will probably be in october yet. i find pleasure in the slowness of time, how the days seem longer here in tacloban. in manila, the day just goes by in a blur. and the man-questions and our friends’ man-hunting, might as well just enjoy it. they’re bound to get tired of listening to me over and over again. “waray pa. ambot lagi. waray pa. ambot lagi. waray pa man.” and should my self-appointed agents and scouts get tired, lose hope and quit, then perhaps i would be forced to take things into my own hands.

on the other hand, with six nieces around, i’d probably have too much fun to even think about it. that man thing can wait. “lagi, nagtitika-lagas na lagi. sige la. pati ito hiya, nagtitika-lagas man gihap. ikaw ngani gihap.”  J

4: 37 a.m. this is my favorite time of the day, when everyone’s asleep, and the house is still and quiet. even chika and harabas are contentedly snoozing away. but then they’ve always been sluggish dogs, i think. sleepy, sluggish dogs.

i’m supposed to finish my summer class requirements. it’s actually not too difficult a paper, but my mind always, always refuses to cooperate when i’m not cramming. ALWAYS. i promised myself i wouldn’t cram in grad school. but everytime i try to finish work far ahead of schedule, my mind goes slow, i am not able to think well, and my mental faculties just break down … i’m more than halfway done, yet I cannot torture myself any longer … and so again, i will have to put off for tomorrow what can be done today.

i promised my nieces we’d make pizza earlier today. they promised they’d behave. i didn’t have time to buy all the ingredients, so i ended up buying a box of  ready-to-eat pizza, the kind with the sweet cheap sauce and grated cheap cheese, with ground meat and slices of green pepper sprinkled all over. much like the yummy pizza outside asia and nena’s, which smells sooo good when it’s  heated. i had stayed much too long in the ukay-ukay shop, there wasn’t enough time to buy dough and sauce and cheese and hotdogs and …. i have discovered that when buying the ingredients, you can actually get confused whether you’re making kids’ pizza or spaghetti … anyways, across the ukay store was a booth selling fiesta delights pizza. i wasn’t sure if i could trust it to delight my nieces’ tastes, but a sign on the box said “ member: international franchising association, los angeles, california.” … hmmm…. sige na nga, will give it a chance… however i kept wondering about that association; it must have a million members. i mean, it’s all about franchising, just franchising, it didn’t say “pizza franchising,” and there are lots of franchised stuff all over the world … hmmm, must be a bogus association … badaw, badaw, what if the pizza doesn’t actually taste, well, delightful??? … but the young woman was so pleasant and eager to please, i didn’t have the heart to tell her i changed my mind about buying the pizza … certainly not after she confidently declared, “ ‘yang Super Fiesta Ate, eight slices ‘yan, pero para sa iyo, kaya kong gawing ten!”    now, who can turn down a sales pitch like that?

and the pizza was quite delightful, by the way. at least my nieces thought so. J 

almost three months to the day i turned thirty, i find myself reading my previous – and only – blog entry. obviously i had nothing better to do that early morning of feb 24. anything to take my mind off research work, i guess.  J

it takes me this long to write my second entry; clearly i did not get the hang of this clicking-my-thoughts-away thing. and clearly i am no writer. but on this early morning of sleeplessness and restlessness, my skills would have to suffice. anything to give me something to do but toss and turn in bed and suffer from alert wakefulness (read: insomnia).

thirty years old and facing the same old issues from many years back. some to a lesser degree, others to a totally advanced level. looks and weight issues – definitely lesser. i’m concerned with my health, but the pounds and looks areas have definitely gone down on the ratings scale. they don’t merit as much relevance as i had immaturely (foolishly?) thought so. i only wish i believed then what i truly, really am convinced about now: it’s not about the looks. it’s not about the pounds gained, nor the pounds lost. it’s totally not about the weight. it has NOTHING to do about it at all. imagine the happy and contented years i lost because i stupidly and blindly believed i needed to be thinner, smaller, and i just could not seem to be thin enough, small enough. but then again, i’m just relieved that’s all out of the way now. can i just redeem myself by saying that i was too young, and the media corrupted my young mind? J

now, family, friendships, my work, love life – these occupy the top spots. though the last one is on the list for the sole reason that it is nonexistent.  J

i may sound mushy and corny, but i really do feel that my family’s the best thing i have. (it probably is easy for me to say; me with the nonexistent love life. J ) seriously, now that i’m older, i have learned to appreciate my family better. with its nuances and uniqueness and quirkiness J 

also, i have the greatest friends on earth.  i really do. J  they come in different shapes and sizes and flavors, some of them know each other, some are completely unaware of the other’s existence, but they all make my world happier, better. in different ways. i know sometimes ( and there are many of those sometimes! J ) i am not the best friend i should be, but i’m lucky because even if i don’t show up when i’m supposed to, or call when i’m supposed to, they don’t dump me. J really, i have the greatest friends.

as for that love life, my tatay and nanay say i should not fear, nor despair, nor lose hope. ( that should give you an idea of how worried they actually are about my lack of a love life. J ) well, i do not fear; i do not despair; and i have not lost hope. i have stopped thinking about it, actually. honestly. promise pa. J i realized that the less i think about it, the less bothered i am about it. and the less bothered i am, the greater the possibility of IT just happening and unfolding itself in my life… i think. J  guess i’ll just find out if my theory is off beam. but for now, that’s the principle i’ll stick with. J

for a non-writer, i have written quite a lot tonight J now i’m thinking when my next blog entry would be. probably in another three months? J or maybe the next time i find myself in another state of alert wakefulness with nothing better to do than click away my thoughts. whenever. J

i never actually thought i’d be doing this, “blogging” I mean. or whatever it is this is called. but i accidentally clicked “create blog” on my page, and as i went through the steps, i figured might as well go ahead. so, here I am, clicking away my thoughts, as if I have nothing better to do at 3 o’clock in the morning. J

was in the middle of working on my report and (sooo many!) papers for school, when i saw some old pictures, taken almost four years ago. what a nice diversion! all these school work had made me really sleepy,  but the pictures brought back nice and funny memories. couldn’t help laughing at the way we looked, my friends and i. those days seem so long ago, but it was nice to look back on them and laugh. although four years does not sound so “then” and so “past”, a lot of things have happened since then. but it was nice to sit back and think of those times; those were wonderful days J 

just turned 30 this month. it’s not my favorite number, but i realized that i do not worry about it as much as i thought i would. in fact, i am not troubled at all with not being twentysomething anymore. i thought reaching 30 was going to be a major event for me; but it wasn’t J i look forward to this year actually; I’m hopeful about a lot of things. not because of anything else, signs or omens or whatever they’re called, but just because I’m older. there are so many things I want to try and do, many other places I want to go to; being thirty years old gives me the confidence being twentysomething didn’t J can’t wait to see what my 3oth year has in store for me…

what else do I write about? can’t think of anything much, except for school work, and house work – not exactly the most interesting things in the world. J anyways, i’ll probably be writing more next time, whenever that would be. i have a feeling it won’t be quite soon, but then again who knows? i just might get the hang of this, and find myself clicking away my thoughts sooner than later. J